Solo Parenting Moment

I love being a dad!  Most days its great!  The last couple of days I feel like have been frustrating.  I am not sure why but the kids are bickering more than usual.  L and N always seem to be arguing for some reason.  I have talked with them both tougher and separate and as a family.  They have both received consquences for their actions and still they bicker.

I feel very confident that all parents go through this with their kids from time to time but it is hard to not have anyone to help with the parenting and looking for solutions.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day and they will be back to the standard brotherly disagreements and not this extra not getting along.

HOME

I am not going to lie!  I am excited to have all three kids at home and I don't have to worry about helping anyone pack for a little over 2 weeks.

All 3 had Camp Kesem, then O went with her cousins for almost a week then, N went to scout camp now we are all home until L leaves in a little over 2 weeks for high adventure camp.

I love having everyone home!  I love the noise and the chaos and the love that bounces around in our house.

The 4 of us have been through a lot together and I think we all have a sense of peace when we are all home!

YEAH!!!!

Our Last Thursday

I am not sure why but I have been reflecting on our last Thursday before Stephanie died.  She died on Friday so by this time even I knew the end was near. I had felt like she was going to pass away that night.  She had wanted to attend my dad’s funeral the next day. On Wednesday, I had finally convinced her that I didn’t think she could make it the Idaho and back to the funeral. After some discussion she reluctantly agreed.  Shortly after that she had asked me to give her a priesthood blessing releasing her to return to her Father in Heaven.  

As much as she had wanted to go to my dad’s funeral I had felt like she would pass away and still be able to attend just have a different seat and vantage point. 

Also, on Wednesday Stephanie had said she wanted the kids at home.  So on Wednesday at noon I had checked the kids out of school.  Bedtime and some of the familiar routines had gone out the window.  Stephanie’s mom and dad and sister were at the house and my brother was staying to be there for me.  Stephanie slept most of the day but Thursday night she had been awake and talking to everyone.  I had always heard that before people pass away they rally one last time.  I had assumed that was her rally.

After getting the kids ready for bed the kids and I had a little talk outside our bedroom.  I was telling them that I thought there was a good chance that mom would pass away during the night. I told them that I would wake them all up so if they wanted to be there they could.  As I am doing my little talk, L looked at me and with 100% confidence said, “Dad, mom will be here in the morning!”  

I knew they had a strong bond but there was a part of me that felt like this was a boy just wanting to keep his mom around.  I kept going with my talk adding, “I hope mom is here in the morning too.”  Then kept explaining to them to make sure they said everything they wanted to say to their mom when they said good night to her. 

Once again, L said, “Dad, mom will be here in the morning!”  

We all went into the room so they could give her hugs and kisses and tell her good night.  

The next morning when Stephanie woke up talking and wanting to eat I went and woke all the kids.  L turned to me and said, “Dad I told you she would be here in the morning!”

I smiled and we all went into the bedroom to enjoy her last rally.  

Scout Camp (written on July 11 posted on July 12)

I am here at Scout Camp with N.  I don’t love camping but I do love supporting and being with the kids.  

It isn’t easy figuring out the logistics of the kids that stay home.  I am not ready to leave my 15 year old and 9 year old home all night alone. Luckily, I have a great cousin that was willing to watch them.  It’s not only packing for me but also making sure that everyone has what they need. Basically, it is 3 overnight bags for me to have 1 night away.  The kids are old enough to back themselves but still it is making sure they have everything.  Don’t forget had to find someone to watch the dog too.  What’s funny is that I know that is what it takes but I didn’t really think about it until I started my post.  

Just as I am backing out of the driveway a good neighbor text me and asked me if I had left.  I was a couple doors away so I just stopped in to see if they needed me to bring something to camp to their son or to her husband.  When I stopped in I found out she had gone to the hospital in the ambulance with their son who has a health problem.  She wanted me to let her husband know and then have him come home.  

Just before I got out of range of cell phone coverage I called to get a status update.  Their son had stabilized and they were waiting to hear from the main doctor.  I think it is just my life experience but I kept thinking what if I am the one that has to share not just scary news but bad news.  I have had to do that before and I have learned that things don’t always go as you want or plan.  

The news was shocking for him of course.  When he went to leave he gave his son a hug and broke down.  My natural fatherly instinct kicked in and I gave him a hug. He just held me for a moment and cried. I knew he would be fine but allowing he was allowing himself to release his emotions.  I believe that is so healthy.  

I think it is healthy for each of us but also I think it is good for our children to see us feel emotions. It is good for them to not hold emotions in and be able to communicate how they are feelings.  

I don’t know if I hadn’t had my life experience if I would understand the value and importance of being able to express feeling and the ability to communicate those feelings.

My oldest son L at times expresses his emotions that are raw and heart felt.  I have learned to pay attention closely to how they are acting. There are times they are just being kids or teenagers and learning but there are other times I can tell they are having a hard time and they don’t know how to express their grief.  When L is feeling that way he becomes mean and rude. He says things that are shocking. He won’t say what is wrong in the moment and acts like the problem is with everyone else.  As I discipline him he respond in a negative way and the behavior gets worse.  I don’t always respond like a picture perfect parent (not that they even exist) and so I just continue to get frustrated and handing out consequences like they are candy. 

Somewhere around the time he is ground until he is 60 and will never see another cell phone in his life he stomps off to his room madder than a hornet.  

Then about 15 minutes later he comes out sobbing and saying he is sorry that he is just missing mom. I think what a mature young man to articulate his feeling.  It does at times take a few things to get there but he shares them.  

I could share experience like that with each one of the kids.  Through their life experience of losing their mom they have learned to express their feeling. I truly believe that will help them in their life.  

I love them so much and it is so hard at times to see them expressing their grief.  I always say that no one cries by themselves when I am around…..unless it is just me!  Kids don’t seem to cry with me but they definitely hug me and support me in my grief. 

Huntsman

It was surreal driving into Huntman today with mom.  I honestly don't know how I felt about it.  I relived many of the moments with Stephanie from some of the visits but more than anything I relived parts of the last visit.

When we went in that morning we knew Dad wasn't going to last very long.  I spoke with my brother mid day to check on him and let him know that our appointment was going long and I wasn't sure if and when I would make it.  I also share with him (he is the only one I share it with) that they said she didn't have much longer.  I had that outside walking between some pillars on the side of the building. I could almost picture me walking between them as I looked that direction.

I really felt we had months.....not days.

It was also strange to sit in the room with Mom  and sister.  The rooms all look alike so it help memories.

Our news was good today about my mom.  They were never that positive about Stephanie but I was that positive so sometimes it is hard to be positive and not start thinking of the reality that we had.

First Time

My mom is staying with me tonight.  I am taking her to get a second opinion at the Huntsman Cancer Institute.  I am excited for her to do that!  The part that has me thinking is that I haven't been to Huntsman since January 7, 2015.

That was Stephanie's last appointment.  It was a long appointment.  They did a transfusion and gave her blood to build her strength.  Our doctor also said her time was short that day.  We were there much of the day with everything.  That is also the day my dad passed away.

He passed away around 5 pm and I arrived in Pocatello around 6 pm.  I have no regrets not making it there before he passed away.  I was exactly where he would have wanted me to be.  In fact, he was probably looking down on me thinking, "Why are you leaving your wife to come and see me!"

There are so many moments from the day that are etched in my mind.  Never to be forgotten.

It will be very strange to go back to Huntsman.  I am not sure how I feel about it.

I am sure it will be like so many day....hard to believe that she really is gone and that it has been 3 1/2 years!

Grief

When I started my blog, my plan was to write something every day before I made my site public.  I mean who wants to read a blog with 1 post.  This is my first post in over a week!  What happened!

I was reminded that sometimes we have to take a break.  Once in a while things in life happen and it brings back all of the emotions and memories.    In those moments everything is fresh.

I feel like that is what has been happening with me.

There is nothing pretty about grief.   Sometimes it is sadness, anger, hurt, loneliness, frustration, and so many other emotions that I don't think I could make a complete list.

In those times there are things we have to continue doing and there are things that we need to take a break from and that is okay!  We need to acknowledge those times and take care of ourselves first.

That was a very hard thing for me to learn and some days it is still hard for me to do.    I find myself wanting everything to appear to be running smoothly without missing a beat.  The reality is I don't know if anyone has a life or home that runs perfectly all of the time.    I just know that I don't want anyone to think I am unable or incapable of being a "solo" parent.

Not only do I worry about how it looks from the outside but I don't want my kids to feel like they are missing out.

As I am typing that it sounds like a lot of pressure.  Most of the time it is just life and I don't feel the pressure.  In those times when I feel overwhelmed if I just take a break from those non essential things while life calms down then I can continue.

Sometimes it might be physical, emotional or a combination that puts us in the overwhelmed category.  Since I have given myself permission to take care of myself life is much better.