Solo Parenting Moment

I love being a dad!  Most days its great!  The last couple of days I feel like have been frustrating.  I am not sure why but the kids are bickering more than usual.  L and N always seem to be arguing for some reason.  I have talked with them both tougher and separate and as a family.  They have both received consquences for their actions and still they bicker.

I feel very confident that all parents go through this with their kids from time to time but it is hard to not have anyone to help with the parenting and looking for solutions.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day and they will be back to the standard brotherly disagreements and not this extra not getting along.

HOME

I am not going to lie!  I am excited to have all three kids at home and I don't have to worry about helping anyone pack for a little over 2 weeks.

All 3 had Camp Kesem, then O went with her cousins for almost a week then, N went to scout camp now we are all home until L leaves in a little over 2 weeks for high adventure camp.

I love having everyone home!  I love the noise and the chaos and the love that bounces around in our house.

The 4 of us have been through a lot together and I think we all have a sense of peace when we are all home!

YEAH!!!!

Our Last Thursday

I am not sure why but I have been reflecting on our last Thursday before Stephanie died.  She died on Friday so by this time even I knew the end was near. I had felt like she was going to pass away that night.  She had wanted to attend my dad’s funeral the next day. On Wednesday, I had finally convinced her that I didn’t think she could make it the Idaho and back to the funeral. After some discussion she reluctantly agreed.  Shortly after that she had asked me to give her a priesthood blessing releasing her to return to her Father in Heaven.  

As much as she had wanted to go to my dad’s funeral I had felt like she would pass away and still be able to attend just have a different seat and vantage point. 

Also, on Wednesday Stephanie had said she wanted the kids at home.  So on Wednesday at noon I had checked the kids out of school.  Bedtime and some of the familiar routines had gone out the window.  Stephanie’s mom and dad and sister were at the house and my brother was staying to be there for me.  Stephanie slept most of the day but Thursday night she had been awake and talking to everyone.  I had always heard that before people pass away they rally one last time.  I had assumed that was her rally.

After getting the kids ready for bed the kids and I had a little talk outside our bedroom.  I was telling them that I thought there was a good chance that mom would pass away during the night. I told them that I would wake them all up so if they wanted to be there they could.  As I am doing my little talk, L looked at me and with 100% confidence said, “Dad, mom will be here in the morning!”  

I knew they had a strong bond but there was a part of me that felt like this was a boy just wanting to keep his mom around.  I kept going with my talk adding, “I hope mom is here in the morning too.”  Then kept explaining to them to make sure they said everything they wanted to say to their mom when they said good night to her. 

Once again, L said, “Dad, mom will be here in the morning!”  

We all went into the room so they could give her hugs and kisses and tell her good night.  

The next morning when Stephanie woke up talking and wanting to eat I went and woke all the kids.  L turned to me and said, “Dad I told you she would be here in the morning!”

I smiled and we all went into the bedroom to enjoy her last rally.  

Scout Camp (written on July 11 posted on July 12)

I am here at Scout Camp with N.  I don’t love camping but I do love supporting and being with the kids.  

It isn’t easy figuring out the logistics of the kids that stay home.  I am not ready to leave my 15 year old and 9 year old home all night alone. Luckily, I have a great cousin that was willing to watch them.  It’s not only packing for me but also making sure that everyone has what they need. Basically, it is 3 overnight bags for me to have 1 night away.  The kids are old enough to back themselves but still it is making sure they have everything.  Don’t forget had to find someone to watch the dog too.  What’s funny is that I know that is what it takes but I didn’t really think about it until I started my post.  

Just as I am backing out of the driveway a good neighbor text me and asked me if I had left.  I was a couple doors away so I just stopped in to see if they needed me to bring something to camp to their son or to her husband.  When I stopped in I found out she had gone to the hospital in the ambulance with their son who has a health problem.  She wanted me to let her husband know and then have him come home.  

Just before I got out of range of cell phone coverage I called to get a status update.  Their son had stabilized and they were waiting to hear from the main doctor.  I think it is just my life experience but I kept thinking what if I am the one that has to share not just scary news but bad news.  I have had to do that before and I have learned that things don’t always go as you want or plan.  

The news was shocking for him of course.  When he went to leave he gave his son a hug and broke down.  My natural fatherly instinct kicked in and I gave him a hug. He just held me for a moment and cried. I knew he would be fine but allowing he was allowing himself to release his emotions.  I believe that is so healthy.  

I think it is healthy for each of us but also I think it is good for our children to see us feel emotions. It is good for them to not hold emotions in and be able to communicate how they are feelings.  

I don’t know if I hadn’t had my life experience if I would understand the value and importance of being able to express feeling and the ability to communicate those feelings.

My oldest son L at times expresses his emotions that are raw and heart felt.  I have learned to pay attention closely to how they are acting. There are times they are just being kids or teenagers and learning but there are other times I can tell they are having a hard time and they don’t know how to express their grief.  When L is feeling that way he becomes mean and rude. He says things that are shocking. He won’t say what is wrong in the moment and acts like the problem is with everyone else.  As I discipline him he respond in a negative way and the behavior gets worse.  I don’t always respond like a picture perfect parent (not that they even exist) and so I just continue to get frustrated and handing out consequences like they are candy. 

Somewhere around the time he is ground until he is 60 and will never see another cell phone in his life he stomps off to his room madder than a hornet.  

Then about 15 minutes later he comes out sobbing and saying he is sorry that he is just missing mom. I think what a mature young man to articulate his feeling.  It does at times take a few things to get there but he shares them.  

I could share experience like that with each one of the kids.  Through their life experience of losing their mom they have learned to express their feeling. I truly believe that will help them in their life.  

I love them so much and it is so hard at times to see them expressing their grief.  I always say that no one cries by themselves when I am around…..unless it is just me!  Kids don’t seem to cry with me but they definitely hug me and support me in my grief. 

Huntsman

It was surreal driving into Huntman today with mom.  I honestly don't know how I felt about it.  I relived many of the moments with Stephanie from some of the visits but more than anything I relived parts of the last visit.

When we went in that morning we knew Dad wasn't going to last very long.  I spoke with my brother mid day to check on him and let him know that our appointment was going long and I wasn't sure if and when I would make it.  I also share with him (he is the only one I share it with) that they said she didn't have much longer.  I had that outside walking between some pillars on the side of the building. I could almost picture me walking between them as I looked that direction.

I really felt we had months.....not days.

It was also strange to sit in the room with Mom  and sister.  The rooms all look alike so it help memories.

Our news was good today about my mom.  They were never that positive about Stephanie but I was that positive so sometimes it is hard to be positive and not start thinking of the reality that we had.

First Time

My mom is staying with me tonight.  I am taking her to get a second opinion at the Huntsman Cancer Institute.  I am excited for her to do that!  The part that has me thinking is that I haven't been to Huntsman since January 7, 2015.

That was Stephanie's last appointment.  It was a long appointment.  They did a transfusion and gave her blood to build her strength.  Our doctor also said her time was short that day.  We were there much of the day with everything.  That is also the day my dad passed away.

He passed away around 5 pm and I arrived in Pocatello around 6 pm.  I have no regrets not making it there before he passed away.  I was exactly where he would have wanted me to be.  In fact, he was probably looking down on me thinking, "Why are you leaving your wife to come and see me!"

There are so many moments from the day that are etched in my mind.  Never to be forgotten.

It will be very strange to go back to Huntsman.  I am not sure how I feel about it.

I am sure it will be like so many day....hard to believe that she really is gone and that it has been 3 1/2 years!

Grief

When I started my blog, my plan was to write something every day before I made my site public.  I mean who wants to read a blog with 1 post.  This is my first post in over a week!  What happened!

I was reminded that sometimes we have to take a break.  Once in a while things in life happen and it brings back all of the emotions and memories.    In those moments everything is fresh.

I feel like that is what has been happening with me.

There is nothing pretty about grief.   Sometimes it is sadness, anger, hurt, loneliness, frustration, and so many other emotions that I don't think I could make a complete list.

In those times there are things we have to continue doing and there are things that we need to take a break from and that is okay!  We need to acknowledge those times and take care of ourselves first.

That was a very hard thing for me to learn and some days it is still hard for me to do.    I find myself wanting everything to appear to be running smoothly without missing a beat.  The reality is I don't know if anyone has a life or home that runs perfectly all of the time.    I just know that I don't want anyone to think I am unable or incapable of being a "solo" parent.

Not only do I worry about how it looks from the outside but I don't want my kids to feel like they are missing out.

As I am typing that it sounds like a lot of pressure.  Most of the time it is just life and I don't feel the pressure.  In those times when I feel overwhelmed if I just take a break from those non essential things while life calms down then I can continue.

Sometimes it might be physical, emotional or a combination that puts us in the overwhelmed category.  Since I have given myself permission to take care of myself life is much better.

Dropping the Kids Off

Today was Camp Kesem day for the kids.  N was the most excited followed closely by O.  L of course had to act like he was completely against it.  But that is what 15 year old do.  I did tell him to let the magic happen that it would help him.  Of course he had crazy comments but I think he was more excited than he let on.

When we arrived I kept getting all teary eyed when I thought of leaving them.  I finally said something to the kids and that seemed to make everything better for me.

Once I got it all out there I was find and the kids were excited!

Tonight it does seem strange to be in the house alone.  But I am a big boy and can deal with it.

I do hope they are having a great time!

Cancer Sucks!

Each night since my anniversary I have had things to post but some nights when I go to bed I am just tired!

Yesterday and today has been an emotional couple of days for all of us and so I am making sure I am taking time to post.

Yesterday was my mom's 86th birthday.  She has always been full of energy and busy.  Over the last couple of months her energy has has dimished some but they have been working with some of her medication so I just thougth that was the cause.

Yesterday, on her birthday, she was so tired that they took her to the emergency room.  After some tests they determined that she has leukemia.  Last night they didn't know any more of the details but today a little after 1 as we were getting ready for church my brother and sister called to let me know that they had more information.  She has acute leukemia.  Based on her age they can't do anything to treat it.  They are giving her a chemo pill to treat the symptoms.  They will know on Wednesday based on her cancer markers if the chemo pills are working.  If they work then they will go with that knowing at some point they will no longer work and hospice will be the answer.

I think news like this is always hard but for us we know the pain of a diagnosis like this.  It brings back all of the emotions from Stephanie's cancer and all the ups and downs.  

It started to hit the kids tonight.  N was the first one to breakdown.  I just want to hold them and promise them that nothing bad will happen ever happen to them again but I can't make that promise to them.

We have always had Christmas at my mom's house and now they are starting to worry about Christmas.

My emotions have been all over the place.  It is hard to believe that this is happening.  When I've always thought of my parents not being around I have pictured Stephanie and I moving forward with the kids and our family.  Now that seems overwhelming and lonely.

My emotions area all over the place.  I am not sure what I am thinking or feeling and what to write.  I am going to do my best of documenting everything.

Anniversary 20 years!

Today is our 20 year wedding anniversary!

We had always talked about going to Bora Bora or some exciting place for our 20th anniversary.  Since that didn't happen the kids and I went to Carver tonight.

I am not going to lie today was a hard day.  I took my wedding album to work with me.  In my mind I had thought I would take a picture of a couple of our wedding pictures and send them to a couple of my friends and family.  Even though that is what I was saying the reality is I just wanted to have our wedding day with me.  I also wanted to share with my coworkers pictures of that wonderful day and have them know Stephanie through the pictures.  That sounds corny but it feels right to me.

Most of the day I just wanted to close my door and cry a little.  I could have done it but I wanted to be somewhere more private some where that felt more like us.

I had went into work early because I needed to leave early so the boys and I could get our hair cut.  Then it was off to have a nice dinner at Carvers.  

I warned the kids that my emotions were close to the surface and I needed them to not argue or fight because I didn't want to lose it and start crying or getting mad at them.  I find being honest with them helps them understand what I feel and where my emotions are.  They responded beautifully and were perfect tonight.  

I wanted dinner to be a celebration and happy and not a lets cry and be sad.  I cry often and don't think there is anything wrong with it and in most cases it helps to feel beter.  I want tears of celebration not tears of sadness.  

I started with wedding day trivia and then told the kids stories about our wedding day and honeymoon and our life before we had kids.  The agreement was no electronics and no fighting.  So the entire meal I talked with them and shared out life with them.  It was wonderful! They really seemed to love it too.  

It truly was exactly what I needed.  I need to be where I felt safe (just like kids do) to allow myself to express my feelings and enjoy the happiness and joy that day brought me.  

I am so grateful for wonderful kids that provide me with a safe place to express my grief too.  I have learned that what is good for the kids is good for me and what is good for me is good for the kids.

I had no idea 20 years ago where my life would take me.  I would do it all over again just to see Stephanie's smile a few more times!

Memories

Last night we found an old blog that Stephanie had years ago.  It was fun to see some of the videos and photos she had in it.

My favorite was the video we took when we surprised the kids with a trip to Disneyland.  They thougth we were going to Las Vegas for the week.  We spent the night in Las Vegas then we send the kids on a scavenger hunt and the prize at the end was a trip to Disneyland.  They were jumping around.  It was a wonderful memory.  It was fun to hear Stephanie's voice and see her being herself.

We had planned the vacation then found out she had cancer.  She had already had her lumpectoy and we were waiting for her to heal to have chemo.  She had long hair but had cut it to shoulder length when she found out she was going to lose it all.

The kids were L - 8, N - 5 and O - 2.  Such amazing memories!  I never dreamed that things would go down the way they did.

I remember the night Stephanie found the lump.  We were sitting in bed and I was reading.  I was into the book I was reading so I am not sure what Stephanie was doing when she started to sound very alarmed.  She kept saying can't you feel it.  I couldn't feel it so I just tried to calm her down and tell her not to worry that I was sure it wasn't anything.

As luck would have it the next day she was having her annual exam so there wasn't any lag time.  That week was a bit of a blur.  Sunday she found it, Monday she had exam, Tuesday she had a mammogram and Wednesday she had a biopsy and Thursday they told us it was cancer.

There are parts of that week that play out in my mind in slow motion.  I will never forget her words when they told her it was cancer.  She had tears in her eyes but in a very strong and determined voice said, "Just let me know what I need to do.  I will do anything to stay here to raise my babies!"

I remember joking that you know it's not good news when they have you go into a room with couches and tissues boxes everywhere.

Even through all of this the kids were always first.  L was receiving an award at school at the same time she was getting her biopsy.  She sent me to the school and she went alone to have the biopsy.  She was so strong and it didn't seem to bother her but I still think about that and hope she didnt feel scared and alone.

The day we found out she had cancer was L's birthday.  So we cried and talked and put on our happy faces and had a birthday party like it was a regular day.....

Such strength and courage and a mom first and foremost!

Saturday

Saturday morning I had to be at BYU at 7 a.m. to pick L up from EFY.  He had been gone for a week. I knew he was having a great time and the time flew by but I still missed him,  I arrived at 7 like they told me but he was busy saying "goodbye"to all of his new friends until 7:30.  I like the fact that he gets so attached to people and makes new friends so easily.

As we were walking to the car I said, "I missed you but I am glad you had a good time."  His response was, "I missed you too."  He said it kind of quiet like he didn't want anyone to hear but I knew that he missed me.

Our family has a strong bond.  We have gone through something that no family should have to go through and as difficult as it is and as much as we would like to have Stephanie back it has created a bond that is priceless.  The only thing I would trade this bond for is to have Stephanie back but since that isn't an option I am so grateful for the bond and the love we share.

When I got back home I started watching videos about Camp Kesem.  The kids are going to Camp Kesem next week.  It is a summer camp for kids who have lost a parent to cancer or a parent is going through cancer.

The videos were very touching and honestly, I was feeling a little weepy so a few tears did spill over. I can't even imagine how difficult it would be for a child to lose a parent.

One of the things that many of the videos spoke about was how the kids needed to know it was okay to be happy and to laugh.  I have made so many mistakes but that is one thing I feel good about is that we all laugh and have fun!

Just doing our best to fulfil the promise I make to Stephanie that we would laugh and play and have fun!

Fathers Day

Fathers Day has changed for me over the last few years.  I think it has changed for two reason.  One is probably more selfish than the other.  I will start with the selfish reason.

My kid are great!  They want to celebrate Fathers Day with me but I have to help them celebrate.  I have to do the shopping for my breakfast and dinner.  I have to help them do things for me.  When Stephanie was her she helped them with everything.  The day will come when I don't have to help them but that too makes me sad.  That will mean they are getting closer to leaving.  I think that is one of the things that I struggle with the most is the reality that some day if I have done my job as a dad they will leave and start lives of their own.

So for now I just enjoy the day with my kids.  I love the church program and seeing the little ones sing.  It will only be Olivia this year.  Hard to beleive.  I miss having the others up there but once again that is part of growing up!

The second reason is that my dad passed away a week and a half before Stephanie.  In fact, she passed away on the day of his funeral.  It is just different not having Dad here to call.

The last time I saw my dad was a week before he passed away.   Our last conversation that I ha with him I will never forget.  The last 3 things he told me was - That he didn't know what he would do without my mom.  Then he told me how much he loved me and the last thing was that he would do anything he could to help Stephanie.

A week later he passed away.  I wasn't there when he passed away I was with Stephanie for her last doctors appointment.  I was right were my dad would have wanted me to be.

Dad passed away on a Wednesday.  On the following Monday, Stephanie told me that my dad had been to visit her 3 times that day.  He mind was good so I have no doubt that my dad did visit her.  When I asked him what they talked about she told me about ice fishing, welding and fishing lures.  Stephanie was a city girl from Arlington, VA she didn't know anything about those things.  The reality is that is when I knew Stephanie's time was close.  Stephanie had a new sense of peace about her future after my dad visited her.

I beleive with all of my heart that my dad was true to his promise and was helping Stephanie.  As hard as it was to lose them both so close together I do know that he is taking care of her.  They were very close and I love that my dad helped her make that transition.

I love you dad!

Stephanie passed away from breast cancer on January 16, 2015.  In some ways it feels like yesterday and in other ways it feels like it has been forever since she was here with us.  We miss her every day but we feel her with us every day.

It is hard to know where to start.  So much has happened in the last almost three and a half years.  But I guess I will start with now and then fill in some of the details as I go along.  

This was the family in St George sitting where I proposed to Stephanie a little over 20 years.  

This is the kids and I at Disneyland over Spring Break.  Of course we waited to have pictures taken until the sun was in our eyes!  Oh well, that is just how it goes some days!  

I know I am biased but I think my kids are amazing.  They give me strength! They are my heros!  I couldn't imagine doing all of this without them!  

L - 15  - has his mom's long skinny fingers.  Ever time I look at his hands I see Stephanie.

N - 12 - is a peacemaker just like his mom!  

O - 9 - looks just like her mom!

It is wonderful to see her in them!  She would be and is proud!