Scout Camp (written on July 11 posted on July 12)

I am here at Scout Camp with N.  I don’t love camping but I do love supporting and being with the kids.  

It isn’t easy figuring out the logistics of the kids that stay home.  I am not ready to leave my 15 year old and 9 year old home all night alone. Luckily, I have a great cousin that was willing to watch them.  It’s not only packing for me but also making sure that everyone has what they need. Basically, it is 3 overnight bags for me to have 1 night away.  The kids are old enough to back themselves but still it is making sure they have everything.  Don’t forget had to find someone to watch the dog too.  What’s funny is that I know that is what it takes but I didn’t really think about it until I started my post.  

Just as I am backing out of the driveway a good neighbor text me and asked me if I had left.  I was a couple doors away so I just stopped in to see if they needed me to bring something to camp to their son or to her husband.  When I stopped in I found out she had gone to the hospital in the ambulance with their son who has a health problem.  She wanted me to let her husband know and then have him come home.  

Just before I got out of range of cell phone coverage I called to get a status update.  Their son had stabilized and they were waiting to hear from the main doctor.  I think it is just my life experience but I kept thinking what if I am the one that has to share not just scary news but bad news.  I have had to do that before and I have learned that things don’t always go as you want or plan.  

The news was shocking for him of course.  When he went to leave he gave his son a hug and broke down.  My natural fatherly instinct kicked in and I gave him a hug. He just held me for a moment and cried. I knew he would be fine but allowing he was allowing himself to release his emotions.  I believe that is so healthy.  

I think it is healthy for each of us but also I think it is good for our children to see us feel emotions. It is good for them to not hold emotions in and be able to communicate how they are feelings.  

I don’t know if I hadn’t had my life experience if I would understand the value and importance of being able to express feeling and the ability to communicate those feelings.

My oldest son L at times expresses his emotions that are raw and heart felt.  I have learned to pay attention closely to how they are acting. There are times they are just being kids or teenagers and learning but there are other times I can tell they are having a hard time and they don’t know how to express their grief.  When L is feeling that way he becomes mean and rude. He says things that are shocking. He won’t say what is wrong in the moment and acts like the problem is with everyone else.  As I discipline him he respond in a negative way and the behavior gets worse.  I don’t always respond like a picture perfect parent (not that they even exist) and so I just continue to get frustrated and handing out consequences like they are candy. 

Somewhere around the time he is ground until he is 60 and will never see another cell phone in his life he stomps off to his room madder than a hornet.  

Then about 15 minutes later he comes out sobbing and saying he is sorry that he is just missing mom. I think what a mature young man to articulate his feeling.  It does at times take a few things to get there but he shares them.  

I could share experience like that with each one of the kids.  Through their life experience of losing their mom they have learned to express their feeling. I truly believe that will help them in their life.  

I love them so much and it is so hard at times to see them expressing their grief.  I always say that no one cries by themselves when I am around…..unless it is just me!  Kids don’t seem to cry with me but they definitely hug me and support me in my grief.