Dropping the Kids Off

Today was Camp Kesem day for the kids.  N was the most excited followed closely by O.  L of course had to act like he was completely against it.  But that is what 15 year old do.  I did tell him to let the magic happen that it would help him.  Of course he had crazy comments but I think he was more excited than he let on.

When we arrived I kept getting all teary eyed when I thought of leaving them.  I finally said something to the kids and that seemed to make everything better for me.

Once I got it all out there I was find and the kids were excited!

Tonight it does seem strange to be in the house alone.  But I am a big boy and can deal with it.

I do hope they are having a great time!

Cancer Sucks!

Each night since my anniversary I have had things to post but some nights when I go to bed I am just tired!

Yesterday and today has been an emotional couple of days for all of us and so I am making sure I am taking time to post.

Yesterday was my mom's 86th birthday.  She has always been full of energy and busy.  Over the last couple of months her energy has has dimished some but they have been working with some of her medication so I just thougth that was the cause.

Yesterday, on her birthday, she was so tired that they took her to the emergency room.  After some tests they determined that she has leukemia.  Last night they didn't know any more of the details but today a little after 1 as we were getting ready for church my brother and sister called to let me know that they had more information.  She has acute leukemia.  Based on her age they can't do anything to treat it.  They are giving her a chemo pill to treat the symptoms.  They will know on Wednesday based on her cancer markers if the chemo pills are working.  If they work then they will go with that knowing at some point they will no longer work and hospice will be the answer.

I think news like this is always hard but for us we know the pain of a diagnosis like this.  It brings back all of the emotions from Stephanie's cancer and all the ups and downs.  

It started to hit the kids tonight.  N was the first one to breakdown.  I just want to hold them and promise them that nothing bad will happen ever happen to them again but I can't make that promise to them.

We have always had Christmas at my mom's house and now they are starting to worry about Christmas.

My emotions have been all over the place.  It is hard to believe that this is happening.  When I've always thought of my parents not being around I have pictured Stephanie and I moving forward with the kids and our family.  Now that seems overwhelming and lonely.

My emotions area all over the place.  I am not sure what I am thinking or feeling and what to write.  I am going to do my best of documenting everything.

Anniversary 20 years!

Today is our 20 year wedding anniversary!

We had always talked about going to Bora Bora or some exciting place for our 20th anniversary.  Since that didn't happen the kids and I went to Carver tonight.

I am not going to lie today was a hard day.  I took my wedding album to work with me.  In my mind I had thought I would take a picture of a couple of our wedding pictures and send them to a couple of my friends and family.  Even though that is what I was saying the reality is I just wanted to have our wedding day with me.  I also wanted to share with my coworkers pictures of that wonderful day and have them know Stephanie through the pictures.  That sounds corny but it feels right to me.

Most of the day I just wanted to close my door and cry a little.  I could have done it but I wanted to be somewhere more private some where that felt more like us.

I had went into work early because I needed to leave early so the boys and I could get our hair cut.  Then it was off to have a nice dinner at Carvers.  

I warned the kids that my emotions were close to the surface and I needed them to not argue or fight because I didn't want to lose it and start crying or getting mad at them.  I find being honest with them helps them understand what I feel and where my emotions are.  They responded beautifully and were perfect tonight.  

I wanted dinner to be a celebration and happy and not a lets cry and be sad.  I cry often and don't think there is anything wrong with it and in most cases it helps to feel beter.  I want tears of celebration not tears of sadness.  

I started with wedding day trivia and then told the kids stories about our wedding day and honeymoon and our life before we had kids.  The agreement was no electronics and no fighting.  So the entire meal I talked with them and shared out life with them.  It was wonderful! They really seemed to love it too.  

It truly was exactly what I needed.  I need to be where I felt safe (just like kids do) to allow myself to express my feelings and enjoy the happiness and joy that day brought me.  

I am so grateful for wonderful kids that provide me with a safe place to express my grief too.  I have learned that what is good for the kids is good for me and what is good for me is good for the kids.

I had no idea 20 years ago where my life would take me.  I would do it all over again just to see Stephanie's smile a few more times!

Memories

Last night we found an old blog that Stephanie had years ago.  It was fun to see some of the videos and photos she had in it.

My favorite was the video we took when we surprised the kids with a trip to Disneyland.  They thougth we were going to Las Vegas for the week.  We spent the night in Las Vegas then we send the kids on a scavenger hunt and the prize at the end was a trip to Disneyland.  They were jumping around.  It was a wonderful memory.  It was fun to hear Stephanie's voice and see her being herself.

We had planned the vacation then found out she had cancer.  She had already had her lumpectoy and we were waiting for her to heal to have chemo.  She had long hair but had cut it to shoulder length when she found out she was going to lose it all.

The kids were L - 8, N - 5 and O - 2.  Such amazing memories!  I never dreamed that things would go down the way they did.

I remember the night Stephanie found the lump.  We were sitting in bed and I was reading.  I was into the book I was reading so I am not sure what Stephanie was doing when she started to sound very alarmed.  She kept saying can't you feel it.  I couldn't feel it so I just tried to calm her down and tell her not to worry that I was sure it wasn't anything.

As luck would have it the next day she was having her annual exam so there wasn't any lag time.  That week was a bit of a blur.  Sunday she found it, Monday she had exam, Tuesday she had a mammogram and Wednesday she had a biopsy and Thursday they told us it was cancer.

There are parts of that week that play out in my mind in slow motion.  I will never forget her words when they told her it was cancer.  She had tears in her eyes but in a very strong and determined voice said, "Just let me know what I need to do.  I will do anything to stay here to raise my babies!"

I remember joking that you know it's not good news when they have you go into a room with couches and tissues boxes everywhere.

Even through all of this the kids were always first.  L was receiving an award at school at the same time she was getting her biopsy.  She sent me to the school and she went alone to have the biopsy.  She was so strong and it didn't seem to bother her but I still think about that and hope she didnt feel scared and alone.

The day we found out she had cancer was L's birthday.  So we cried and talked and put on our happy faces and had a birthday party like it was a regular day.....

Such strength and courage and a mom first and foremost!

Saturday

Saturday morning I had to be at BYU at 7 a.m. to pick L up from EFY.  He had been gone for a week. I knew he was having a great time and the time flew by but I still missed him,  I arrived at 7 like they told me but he was busy saying "goodbye"to all of his new friends until 7:30.  I like the fact that he gets so attached to people and makes new friends so easily.

As we were walking to the car I said, "I missed you but I am glad you had a good time."  His response was, "I missed you too."  He said it kind of quiet like he didn't want anyone to hear but I knew that he missed me.

Our family has a strong bond.  We have gone through something that no family should have to go through and as difficult as it is and as much as we would like to have Stephanie back it has created a bond that is priceless.  The only thing I would trade this bond for is to have Stephanie back but since that isn't an option I am so grateful for the bond and the love we share.

When I got back home I started watching videos about Camp Kesem.  The kids are going to Camp Kesem next week.  It is a summer camp for kids who have lost a parent to cancer or a parent is going through cancer.

The videos were very touching and honestly, I was feeling a little weepy so a few tears did spill over. I can't even imagine how difficult it would be for a child to lose a parent.

One of the things that many of the videos spoke about was how the kids needed to know it was okay to be happy and to laugh.  I have made so many mistakes but that is one thing I feel good about is that we all laugh and have fun!

Just doing our best to fulfil the promise I make to Stephanie that we would laugh and play and have fun!

Fathers Day

Fathers Day has changed for me over the last few years.  I think it has changed for two reason.  One is probably more selfish than the other.  I will start with the selfish reason.

My kid are great!  They want to celebrate Fathers Day with me but I have to help them celebrate.  I have to do the shopping for my breakfast and dinner.  I have to help them do things for me.  When Stephanie was her she helped them with everything.  The day will come when I don't have to help them but that too makes me sad.  That will mean they are getting closer to leaving.  I think that is one of the things that I struggle with the most is the reality that some day if I have done my job as a dad they will leave and start lives of their own.

So for now I just enjoy the day with my kids.  I love the church program and seeing the little ones sing.  It will only be Olivia this year.  Hard to beleive.  I miss having the others up there but once again that is part of growing up!

The second reason is that my dad passed away a week and a half before Stephanie.  In fact, she passed away on the day of his funeral.  It is just different not having Dad here to call.

The last time I saw my dad was a week before he passed away.   Our last conversation that I ha with him I will never forget.  The last 3 things he told me was - That he didn't know what he would do without my mom.  Then he told me how much he loved me and the last thing was that he would do anything he could to help Stephanie.

A week later he passed away.  I wasn't there when he passed away I was with Stephanie for her last doctors appointment.  I was right were my dad would have wanted me to be.

Dad passed away on a Wednesday.  On the following Monday, Stephanie told me that my dad had been to visit her 3 times that day.  He mind was good so I have no doubt that my dad did visit her.  When I asked him what they talked about she told me about ice fishing, welding and fishing lures.  Stephanie was a city girl from Arlington, VA she didn't know anything about those things.  The reality is that is when I knew Stephanie's time was close.  Stephanie had a new sense of peace about her future after my dad visited her.

I beleive with all of my heart that my dad was true to his promise and was helping Stephanie.  As hard as it was to lose them both so close together I do know that he is taking care of her.  They were very close and I love that my dad helped her make that transition.

I love you dad!

Stephanie passed away from breast cancer on January 16, 2015.  In some ways it feels like yesterday and in other ways it feels like it has been forever since she was here with us.  We miss her every day but we feel her with us every day.

It is hard to know where to start.  So much has happened in the last almost three and a half years.  But I guess I will start with now and then fill in some of the details as I go along.  

This was the family in St George sitting where I proposed to Stephanie a little over 20 years.  

This is the kids and I at Disneyland over Spring Break.  Of course we waited to have pictures taken until the sun was in our eyes!  Oh well, that is just how it goes some days!  

I know I am biased but I think my kids are amazing.  They give me strength! They are my heros!  I couldn't imagine doing all of this without them!  

L - 15  - has his mom's long skinny fingers.  Ever time I look at his hands I see Stephanie.

N - 12 - is a peacemaker just like his mom!  

O - 9 - looks just like her mom!

It is wonderful to see her in them!  She would be and is proud!