Anniversary 20 years!

Today is our 20 year wedding anniversary!

We had always talked about going to Bora Bora or some exciting place for our 20th anniversary.  Since that didn't happen the kids and I went to Carver tonight.

I am not going to lie today was a hard day.  I took my wedding album to work with me.  In my mind I had thought I would take a picture of a couple of our wedding pictures and send them to a couple of my friends and family.  Even though that is what I was saying the reality is I just wanted to have our wedding day with me.  I also wanted to share with my coworkers pictures of that wonderful day and have them know Stephanie through the pictures.  That sounds corny but it feels right to me.

Most of the day I just wanted to close my door and cry a little.  I could have done it but I wanted to be somewhere more private some where that felt more like us.

I had went into work early because I needed to leave early so the boys and I could get our hair cut.  Then it was off to have a nice dinner at Carvers.  

I warned the kids that my emotions were close to the surface and I needed them to not argue or fight because I didn't want to lose it and start crying or getting mad at them.  I find being honest with them helps them understand what I feel and where my emotions are.  They responded beautifully and were perfect tonight.  

I wanted dinner to be a celebration and happy and not a lets cry and be sad.  I cry often and don't think there is anything wrong with it and in most cases it helps to feel beter.  I want tears of celebration not tears of sadness.  

I started with wedding day trivia and then told the kids stories about our wedding day and honeymoon and our life before we had kids.  The agreement was no electronics and no fighting.  So the entire meal I talked with them and shared out life with them.  It was wonderful! They really seemed to love it too.  

It truly was exactly what I needed.  I need to be where I felt safe (just like kids do) to allow myself to express my feelings and enjoy the happiness and joy that day brought me.  

I am so grateful for wonderful kids that provide me with a safe place to express my grief too.  I have learned that what is good for the kids is good for me and what is good for me is good for the kids.

I had no idea 20 years ago where my life would take me.  I would do it all over again just to see Stephanie's smile a few more times!