Memories

Last night we found an old blog that Stephanie had years ago.  It was fun to see some of the videos and photos she had in it.

My favorite was the video we took when we surprised the kids with a trip to Disneyland.  They thougth we were going to Las Vegas for the week.  We spent the night in Las Vegas then we send the kids on a scavenger hunt and the prize at the end was a trip to Disneyland.  They were jumping around.  It was a wonderful memory.  It was fun to hear Stephanie's voice and see her being herself.

We had planned the vacation then found out she had cancer.  She had already had her lumpectoy and we were waiting for her to heal to have chemo.  She had long hair but had cut it to shoulder length when she found out she was going to lose it all.

The kids were L - 8, N - 5 and O - 2.  Such amazing memories!  I never dreamed that things would go down the way they did.

I remember the night Stephanie found the lump.  We were sitting in bed and I was reading.  I was into the book I was reading so I am not sure what Stephanie was doing when she started to sound very alarmed.  She kept saying can't you feel it.  I couldn't feel it so I just tried to calm her down and tell her not to worry that I was sure it wasn't anything.

As luck would have it the next day she was having her annual exam so there wasn't any lag time.  That week was a bit of a blur.  Sunday she found it, Monday she had exam, Tuesday she had a mammogram and Wednesday she had a biopsy and Thursday they told us it was cancer.

There are parts of that week that play out in my mind in slow motion.  I will never forget her words when they told her it was cancer.  She had tears in her eyes but in a very strong and determined voice said, "Just let me know what I need to do.  I will do anything to stay here to raise my babies!"

I remember joking that you know it's not good news when they have you go into a room with couches and tissues boxes everywhere.

Even through all of this the kids were always first.  L was receiving an award at school at the same time she was getting her biopsy.  She sent me to the school and she went alone to have the biopsy.  She was so strong and it didn't seem to bother her but I still think about that and hope she didnt feel scared and alone.

The day we found out she had cancer was L's birthday.  So we cried and talked and put on our happy faces and had a birthday party like it was a regular day.....

Such strength and courage and a mom first and foremost!